A while back a ton of people saw a video of a turtle with a straw stuck up its nose. I was one of them. It was very sad.
So when places started proposing we ban plastic straws, I was like…
“Yeah! Fuck straws!”
But then the disabled community spoke up and tried to inform everyone that plastic bendy straws are essential for people with various health issues. Without them, people might end up having to make the choice of whether or not they can consume liquids in public. And that really sucks.
This community put a lot of thought and research into this and was unable to find another material that could be a suitable replacement in every circumstance.
They proposed a system where you could just ask for straws rather than places giving them out all willy-nilly. This would still reduce the use of plastic straws significantly without screwing disabled folks.
I assessed this new information and…
I CHANGED MY DAMN MIND.
*gasp* “The Frogman is a flip-flopper!”
Naively, I figured most people who consumed this new information would do the same.
But it ended up being a mixed bag of mostly sullen disappointment.
As I read the comments on various articles I noticed a weird phenomenon where people magically transformed into materials scientists.
Disabled groups thought long and hard about this. These groups did some great in-depth research. And all these groups pretty much came to a unanimous consensus that there are currently no satisfactory alternative solutions. They also found that plastic straws are actually a drop in the bucket of our waste issues. Furthermore, the “straws on demand” solution would make that drop pretty frickin’ tiny. The overall risk to turtle noses would go way down.
Despite seeing these conclusions thoroughly presented to them, people would think about the issue for about 30 seconds and be like…
“Okay, but what about paper straws? What about reusable straws? What about this? What about that? I have a metal straw that works great! Surely that will do!”
These internet dunderheads actually believed their 30-second brainstorm would come up with a sufficient solution that has not been thought of yet.
As if the entire disabled community is going to be like, “We did all of this research, spent all of this time looking for alternatives, committed all of these resources to spread our conclusions, BUT WE NEVER KNEW ABOUT PAPER STRAWS! Thank you, kind stranger! You have single-handedly solved this dilemma!”
I just have trouble wrapping my head around the kind of ego one must have to think they could solve an issue like this with an internet comment.
What makes it worse is some of these “what about” comments would be replies to actual disabled people. These sudden experts in the science of materials would start suggesting straw alternatives. And these disabled folks, who are probably exhausted and at their wit’s end, must decide if they should give these individuals explanations of why these genius suggestions won’t work for them.
“I know you aren’t feeling well, but can you do all of the research for me so I don’t have to spend 2 minutes googling shit?”
And when you try to tell these people they are being ableist and kinda shitty, they act like a wounded animal. Suddenly they are the victim. THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP! Not trusting people who live with these problems is the height of privilege. And forcing them to make their experiences relateable while remaining calm and polite is exhausting.
Then someone made this amazing chart that couldn’t possibly make it any easier to comprehend.
And people were still responding to it with…
“OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT…?”
In conclusion…
IT’S OKAY TO CHANGE YOUR DAMN MIND.
Also…
YOU’RE NOT AS SMART AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.
(Unless you actually are a materials scientist and you are developing an alternative as we speak.)
Humans are packbondy creatures. I mean, there’s just no arguing it. They packbond readily, and quickly, and unbelievably strongly. Once a human has packbonded with a thing, they will do anything to help and protect that thing.
There’s a downside to that, not often mentioned. It uses up a lot of their time and energy to build those packbonds, maintain those packbonds, and most especially to do the work of helping and protecting those with whom they have packbonded. It doesn’t leave them a lot of time and energy for helping other beings.
If you want a human to help you – if you want to reliably get their best effort – you have to packbond with them first.
“Yeah? So?” So you’re probably going to be working with humans for most, if not all, of your career. No matter how good or bad you are at your job, there will come a time when you need someone else in your workspace to help you with something, whether that’s manning the fry station for 2 minutes while you pee, sending over those numbers from marketing, or dropping everything to teach you how to do a thing that your boss told you to do or else you’d be fired.
Not to mention the big things. They don’t give promotions to just their friends – at least not so much any more. Promotions go to the people who’ve completed big, visible, important projects. It seems fair until you consider,,,, who gets the big, important, visible projects assigned to them in the first place?
Humans give boosts to the people they’ve packbonded with. They mention packbondee’s accomplishments to the boss (or the boss’ boss). They cover for the mistakes of people they’ve packbonded with.
“That’s not right! It shouldn’t be a popularity contest! It should be about who does the best –” Listen to me. Listen.
You may be right. You may be the most correct creature to have ever spoken since the beginning of galactic civilization.
It does not matter
Humans packbond. It’s what they do. I can’t stop it. You can’t stop it. No power in the ‘verse can stop it. This is how the human do.
All you can do is work with it.
If you want a human to help you – if you want to reliably get their best effort – you have to packbond with them first.
“Look, I’m introverted and scared of people and I have social anxiety so I really don’t know how to –” Hey, my pal, I feel you. I, too, am introverted. And I have social anxiety. And I have PTSD that actually – and I recognize that this is bizarre – has ‘business networking’ as a trigger.
For you, I have good news: Humans will packbond with anything.
Like, you don’t really actually have to do anything. You kinda just have to… exist. In their presence. They kinda do the rest.
If you can talk with them, that speeds things up. But it doesn’t have to be, like, good conversation. Like, it can totally go
You: boy, sure is hot out! Human: Man oh man, can you believe it? You: Wow, yeah Human: Totally You: …. Human: ….
This conversation – as awkward and uncomfortable as it felt to you, has caused this human to packbond with you a little more. If you repeat it weekly, you will get good results.
THE TAKEAWAYS
You need to packbond with the humans you come in contact with
Taking time to do that is not only justifiable, it is an important part of your job, and should be treated as such
That is to say that, as much as you hate it (and believe me, I understand), you have to take time away from actual work and dedicate it to packbonding with your fellow workers
Tips
Plan out your packbonding time. It’s easier if you can initiate than if a human springs packbonding-time on you all unexpected. In an office job I like to use Friday afternoon, but adjust according to what makes sense to you and your situation.
Keep some packbonding-time questions handy. My go-to list is:
(If it’s Monday or Tuesday) How was your weekend?
(If it’s Wednesday) How’s your week been so far?
(If it’s Thursday or Friday) Any big plans for the weekend?
How’s your day been?
You don’t have to care about the answers to these questions. All you have to do is remember that if the human is answering questions, they are not asking you any questions. Therefore questions are your friend. If you ask follow-up questions, you may be able to get through the entire packbonding time without having to do any of the talking
Learn to disengage from packbonding. You can use basically the same sentence (or variants on it), but you’ll want to practice it so that you can make it sound natural. I use “Awesome! Well, I gotta get going. Have a good one!”
I know it feels overwhelming, but a few minutes of packbonding, once a week, is all you need. Once you build it into your habits it can be no more annoying than doing dishes or showering.
additional crucial packhack: humans will like you more IF you ask them to do you a small favor AND THEN express gratitude and indebtedness. it seems counter intuitive to ASK for favors instead of DOING favors but that’s the key! they will keep tabs on your welfare if they think you owe them; they will want to keep you around if you establish yourself as someone who appreciates their efforts. humans thrive on mutual caretaking. invite them to caretake you and then show you are eager to caretake back and you will have a solid workplace alliance started.
small favor examples: can you pass me that tool item? may i try some of your snack? could you remind me of a fact? can you give me some advice?
most humans feel safe when they feel valued. it is this crucial emotional drive that underlies many human interactions. it is especially important in the workplace, where those that are not valued are ruthlessly cut out and discarded from the pack. so assure your humans that you appreciate them and they will come to you for the comfort of it.
Dammit, why did nobody lay it out for me this simply *years* ago??
Yup, pretty much. Oh humans.
Asking for minor favors is so powerful. People love to feel useful and will associate the feeling of getting to be helpful with you.
So I used to make this joke all the time. Now I have chronic tinnitus. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s nerve damage in your ears which often comes as a result of being constantly exposed to very loud noise for a long period of time. The nerve damage results in a constant ringing/buzzing in your ears. So far there’s no cure. The severity of it varies, and I’m lucky to have a mild case, which I can barely hear during the day and is easy to block out at night. That said, loads of people with tinnitus aren’t so lucky. Severe tinnitus can’t be blocked out. Those who suffer from it also suffer from severe loss of sleep, depression, anxiety…. the list goes on. Tinnitus also comes with a degree of hearing loss in most cases, making it even harder to ignore. In fact, some people with severe tinnitus kill themselves just to make the ringing stop. Tinnitus can be so severe that it drives a person to suicide. Chronic tinnitus used to mostly be prevalent in older people who worked for years with loud machinery etc, but all of a sudden it’s becoming more common in our generation. Why? Because of people, like me, who listened to their music too goddamn loudly through their headphones.
Deaf by the time you’re 20? Please. That’s the least of your worries.
Please reblog. This post reminded me to move my music further away and turn it down. Someone else may need to be more cautious of their shit too.
Chronic mild tinnitus here, too, due to too many metal concerts in my youth. Turn your headphones down a little. Wear earplugs at concerts. Protect your ears.
Your eyes have an iris that can shrink down, and eyelids that can squint shut, to protect them from light that is too bright. Your ears have NOTHING to block out sounds that are too loud. It’s up to you.
Tinnitus sufferer from drumline in high school checking in. These days I wear earplugs at concerts, rehearsals, clubs, and even movies sometimes. Get yourself a set that look like these ones:
Etymotics Research was one of the first companies I’m aware of to widely market with this
sort of ear plug, and they’re great, because they reduce noise fairly
evenly across the spectrum, and so you hear everything accurately, just
quieter. While they’re certainly more expensive than the foam earplugs
that you see everywhere, they also are washable and last for months and
months, and sound great, if not better than without for live music. Please protect your ears. There is no way to recover lost
hearing.
Apparently I had this. I just thought silence was a ringing sound
you also might have even been “born” with this. a lot of people with sensory issues (especially autistic or ADD/ADHD people) experience this when it’s silent around them but havent actually hurt their ears with music at all.
so its also a sensory processing thing and you can be “born” with it (aka develop with it in childhood) like i have
Wait I thought that ringing was normal?? I hear ringing when its dead silent are you seriously saying my ADHD causes this???? I thought everyone had that???!!??!
normal people dont have that ringing noise. while it’s minor in cases of sensory development issues from developmental disorders, it can be severe if a person with a developmental disorder listens to loud music. i know that sometimes during a sensory overload from autism, the ringing will become terribly loud
Oh lord ok. Be careful with loud noises. Gotcha. I didnt realize not everyone hears that ringing. I thought it was normal so I never asked if anyone else heard it too. Thanks for the warning about loud music! Ive always tried to avoid going to concerts because of the ringing but I thought it was a thing everyone put up with and that I was being a wimp. Im glad I have an explanation!
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when is was like 5 i thought it was like, a normal constant sound that came with being alive on a populous planet/in the universe, kinda like gravity or light or smthn, until I figured out that other people can actually hear silence
When people talked about the sound of silence I thought that’s what they meant. But yeah I’ve had it for as long as I can remember.
i’m autistic and i used to play in a punk band and go to a lot of rock shows in the 90′s. the ringing is always there. it always will be. could drive me crazy if i let it, but i’m a practical type, so i just deal. but you don’t want this if you don’t have to have it. turn your shit down, y’all.
if i ever mess up, tell me. be mad at me, don’t talk to me for a few days, but don’t think that i don’t want to fix things. whether it be in a friendship or a relationship of any kind, my goal is always to make sure i do the right thing. and if i don’t, if i mess up, i want to know. i want you to talk to me about all of it. what i did wrong and how you feel about it and what you expected.
communication is so important to me and if you ever just shut me out and stop talking to me because i did something wrong in your eyes, then i don’t expect for that relationship to work out. but if you’re mature enough to come to me and start a conversation, i know you care and i know you want me to be better. i Want to be better, always.
Sometimes in relationships we don’t do everything right, but it’s a learning process and i want to be aware of what is happening. i’m not like other people, i want to fix things, i want to change for the better every chance i get, and i want to reconcile with those who think i wronged them. i’m not one for letting things go on a bad note, whether it was my fault or theirs, i will always care and apologize for anything i did wrong, because i want to spread kindness and love. you can’t do that if you shut people out.
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